jes (mittengrrrl) wrote in xxanti_edxx,
jes
mittengrrrl
xxanti_edxx

  • Mood:

hurting.

i am frustrated beyond frustrated. if you think im fucking stupid, im not.

i cleaned a toilet and fucking cried today.
i try to talk to her. to let her know i love her.
but i am the "worst enemy". i am trying to "sabotage" her.

i guess im an asshole for knowing what the fuck is up?

"bulimic off and on for seven years. "bulimorexic" for the past two years."
she thinks we should sit back and watch her die. watch her curl up in a fetal position from lack of nutrition, and have seizures, "black outs" black outs because her brain matter is decaying inside her fucking skull because it cant run on fucking fumes. i guess she wants me to sit back and "let ana run with her bad self". and the support they give her is to tell her to make her journal friends only. i wonder if those internet friends will come and see her in the fucking hospital when she is on venilators and hooked up to all kinds of ticking dripping things.

she stayed here with me, i thought she had fun. but apparently, i am the enemy and i am evil and i am a ruin-er. because i fed her. because i would do anything to save her. anything. it hurts. it hurts like nothing in my life has hurt before. hurts more than being ignored and pushed aside by my dad. hurts more than my mom telling me she hates me cos im just like my dad. hurts more than anything. why wont she believe me. why wont she try?

i have known pain in my life. i have been verbally, mentally, physiclly, and yeah, even sexually abused. people have pain. i know people do things that are self destructive because of their pain. i have done lots of self destructive things. i know self destruction. i have stuffed my hand into a garbage disposal, with my other hand on the on switch, crying like a little bitch, an inch away from turning the motherfucker on. to hurt oneself is a way of saying "no one can hurt me more than i hurt myself". i have walked through self destruction, and came out on the other side. its fucking hard, but i know i was worth it. she is worth it. she just has to believe it. it hurts so bad to feel this fucking helpless. i would do fucking anything to stop this from taking her from us. i know im being fucking selfish, but she is too.

im so fucking pissed off and hurt and i feel like my insides are shaking and pulling, i want to break things. i want to scream and cry. and it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts. i hate ana. i hate mia. i want my fucking little cousin back.

xo/jes
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